hollywood Theme Party

I’m so excited about our department’s Christmas party! We’ll be doing a Hollywood theme party, and I still don’t have any idea what to wear or who to be. And it’s already on Saturday! I wanted to come as Nicole Scherzinger, but she wears clothes that are too skimpy. I also wanted to be Jessica Alba but she doesn’t really have like a stereotype clothing.

Gotta think of something to wear ASAP!

Eggzayteedddd 😛

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Dreamy Lion

I had a dream last night. It was really weird and scary shit, but it made me realize something. Or maybe not. I just wanna share it in case I forget all about it. LOL

In my dream, I was in a community where in the beach and the cliffs are of easy access. I can’t really patch it up together to form the plot. I could only give tidbits. Anyway, in my dream there was a part where in there were policemen and a girl investigating the car. The girl was once a passenger of the car and all the other passengers were dead but with missing bodies although their identifications were left. It was then learned that those people were attacked by a lion who’s avenging the death of other lions (caused by humans eating their meat).

Another part was when we were all trying to run to go to safe places because there were news that the lions was already near. So we all went to different places and houses to be safe.

One last part I remember was the face of the lion which was scarred and angry. 

The moment I woke up, I immediately thought of the food chain and how we humans tend to be selfish enough to mess it up and not consider other beings. And at that moment, I swore I would never eat lion meat (dunno why I thought of that, I just did). 

I don’t know what that dream is for or where it rooted from, but I guess it’s a sign that I should cut down my food intake or start being a vegetarian. LOL.

The One Who Changes You

MAY. 17, 2012

The first time you notice him you won’t really notice him at all. He’s a little bit too short, a little bit too soft in the middle. You’ll feel him watching you when you’re dancing with your boyfriend at a party before you turn around and catch his eye. He’s leaning against a wall, smoking; he looks like Ryan from the OC and he’s ready to be whoever you want him to be (for just long enough that it will break your heart when he goes back to being himself), and he’ll smile at you.

You’ll flick your hair and ignore him, but the whole time you can feel his eyes on the nape of your neck, your tits and ass too, probably. You’ll kiss your boyfriend because you’re into him right now, throw your arms around his neck and forget about the stranger lurking in the shadows. When you finally look back in his direction he’ll be gone, only a blank space of exposed brick where he was, just moments before.

You’ll go back to dancing. You’ll forget about him. You won’t think about him again, not even when your boyfriend leaves you in tears one Sunday morning months later. But he’s still in there somewhere; still leaning against that wall, staring at you like you’re everything.

The next time you see him you won’t remember that it was him against the wall with his eyes all over you, but you’ll think the same of him; a little bit too short, a little bit too soft in the middle. This time is different though, because you’ll get to thinking, maybe I can do short, maybe I can do a little soft in the middle.

You’ll speak to him, be drunk with him, feel his pinky finger edge over from his flattened palm on the bench between you, sneaking towards your own resting hand until they’re touching. He’ll look at you, then, with these eyes. These eyes that are only looking at you, like you’re the only person in the bar, not your friends sitting across from you, not the bartender, not the casually swaying bodies of the strangers around you.

These eyes, his eyes, they’re focused on you and you alone, and you get to thinking these eyes are yours when you see yourself reflected in them so clearly. What you don’t know is that he’s just trying not to lose his balance; he’s just focusing on something, anything, to keep from falling over. He’s matched every drink of yours with two, or was it three? But you are so consumed by this these eyes that mean so much and so little you haven’t even noticed.

The thing of it is, you want this. You’re looking for this. You want someone to look at you and only you like the ground is opening up around you and the only way to survive is to stand on your safe, firm little piece of ground. You created the import of his drunken stare yourself; you selfishly molded it to your hopes, your dreams, your ridiculous romanticism.

What follows is predictable enough. He continues to look at you with those eyes, and you fall in love with the sober hologram you’ve superimposed on him. Never mind the drinking, the smoking, the drugs. You see what you want to see, even though he’s showing you, every day, that all he’s really trying to do is stop from falling over. You’ll continue to think he’s the most beautiful thing in the world, even when you’re undressing him and putting him to bed because he’s too drunk to do it himself.

Eventually, he’ll leave you, probably because he’s smarter than you (at least he’ll fool you into believing he is, but he’s not; too many dead brain cells). He knows what you are capable of giving, and he knows what he can’t. You’ll believe him when he leaves you “to become a better man,” but really, he’s just sticking his dick elsewhere, and it’s too hard for him to say, so you’ll just find out from someone else, weeks later when he’s parading her around in front of your friends.

You’ll be changed by this person; this person who you love so unequivocally, but who is so undeserving of your love. You probably will never be the same again. Now you’re suspicious, sometimes hateful. You’ll think about stabbing him in his too soft middle, of taking a bat to his too short knees. For first time you’ll realize that loving someone doesn’t necessarily make them a good person, and that being a good person isn’t always a prerequisite for your love.

For the first time in your life you’ll start doubting; start thinking that perhaps love doesn’t make the world go ‘round. At least not the way you want it to.

.

Originally posted at Thought Catalog

Cause Maroon 5 Needs To Make More Songs Like This

Sad – Maroon 5

Man, it’s been a long day

Stuck thinking ’bout it driving on the freeway
Wondering if I really tried everything I could
Not knowing if I should try a little harder

Oh, but I’m scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I’m only holding on by a thin thin thread

I’m kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I’m kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The place that you needed to have
I’m so sad, saaad

Man, it’s been a long night
Just sitting here, trying not to look back
Still looking at the road we never drove on
And wondering if the one I chose was the right one
Oh, but I’m scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I’m only holding on by a thin thin thread

I’m kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I’m kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The place that you needed to have
I’m so sad, saaad
I’m so sad, so sad

Oh, but I’m scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I’m only holding on by a thin thin threat

I’m kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I’m kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The place that you needed to have
And I’m kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
I’m so sad, so sad

Maybe In Another Universe, I Deserve You

MAY. 14, 2012 

What if, in another universe, I deserve you?

Hear me out. There’s this philosopher from the 1890s named William James, and he coined this theory about “the multiverse” which suggests that a hypothetical set of multiple universes comprises everything that can possibly exist simultaneously.

Are you following? The entirety of space, time, matter and energy is all happening at once in different timelines: It’s the idea of parallel universes. Right? So okay, let’s presume the multiverse is real.

Well then, maybe somewhere in those infinite universes is one, or several, where I deserve you.

Maybe there’s a universe out there — happening now — where we end up together and when I close my eyes at night, I’m not dreaming the way a normal person would. Instead I’m seeing flashes of our lives in the multiverse. They’re not simple dreams because I miss you, right? They’re scientific, anachronistic visions.

For instance:

In this universe, I don’t want a family, but maybe in another, I’m more of the type to settle down. Maybe there’s a universe where you hold my hand while I give birth to our daughter in a white hospital room with pink flowers and fuzzy teddy bears on the window sill. Where we take family vacations and pose for dorky pictures in our neon bathing suits on the sands of a Florida beach. Where we curl up to watch a cheesy movie at the end of a long day in our big, green, suburban house once the kids have fallen asleep.

Maybe there’s a universe where we are middle-aged and taking our child to college and bickering over where to put her dresser or what posters she should hang up. Where you kiss her on the forehead ‘goodbye’ and we drive home in contented, proud silence, your fingers grazing my knuckles, our wedding rings glistening. Where we both have gray hair and we laugh and smile and hug and drink lemonade on the porch.

Maybe there’s a universe where that’s the life I want. Where I don’t second guess everything and I’m not afraid of commitment and of the future and of love. Maybe there’s a universe without all the noise in my head and the pride that makes me so fiercely independent and the coldness in my heart that I can turn on and off like a security fence.

Maybe there’s a universe where I’m the right person for you. Where I adore every nice thing you did for me without starting to resent you. A universe where you actually end up with someone who appreciates you. Where no one becomes a doormat. Where both of us can shed our baggage and curiosity and issues. A universe where we’re happy — without wondering if that happiness is some messed-up Jenga game ready to topple at the slightest quiver. A universe where we’re comfortable and sure, and we have cats.

Maybe there’s a universe where we fall asleep next to each other every night like spoons, like two innocent bunnies — my face buried in your neck, hugging your warmth — and we both don’t want anything or anybody else. Where we don’t want more, we just want each other.

Maybe there’s a universe where I don’t covet so much all the time and where I’m content and where I don’t wonder about picking up and moving to Japan without saying anything to anyone and where at this very juncture, I can just know I’ll always want to come home and cook dinner with you.

If you think of it all this way, then it’s like neither of us did anything wrong.

You just found me in the wrong universe. That’s all. This is, as they say, the darkest timeline. Everywhere else, nay, “everywhen” else — us in the Civil War, us in Ancient Egypt, us in the swinging ’60s — we are happy.

If this theory holds, well, by the law of averages, there had to be oneuniverse — just this one — where we don’t end up together. Here and now just happens to be it. If you think of it this way, nothing is our fault.

So see, that explains everything. We’re not together anymore because of the multiverse.

Well, isn’t that comforting?

If you’re sad, do like I do and just think of the other ‘verses. The ones where I believe in love and where I don’t hate myself and where I never feel the need to kamikaze relationships. A universe where we can have nice things. It’s helpful, right?

Because you could have loved me forever. And maybe in another universe, I let you. 

.

*Originally posted at Thought Catalog

There’s No Way But UP

I had a short conversation with an office mate this morning over coffee and cigarettes regarding BPO companies, our pool of agents and applicants, escalation, recruitment frustrations and what not. We came across school credentials, and in that moment, I realized how lucky I am to actually pass UPCAT. I mean, I was not really the bookish and studious type when I was in high school. I was actually one of the lazy students who had parents that practically begged their child to give time to study and do good in class (good meaning good enough to pass — I got kicked out from Miriam College in the fifth grade after being an honor student in the earlier years FYI). So imagine how my heart skipped a beat or two when I found out that I passed that freakin’ awesome college test that almost ALL high school senior in the Philippines took. I must say, I’m one lucky gal (and maybe “in your face” as well).

That conversation also made me realize why I hung by a thread and passed UPCAT. It wasn’t  because I was smart, or because it was expected of me because I’m not and it wasn’t, but it was because I was meant to, even if it was just for a short ride. During my two-year stay in UPB, I learned more about life than I would reading all the books in the world. UP made me discover what I really wanted in life (well, not career wise, I must say. Still juggling with that ’till now, that’s more of a personal uncertainty. LOL), what I ought to do, and who I really am. It made me who I am today myself. It didn’t preach nor did it force me to defer and be what the society wants me (or any other person) to be. I worked hard for the good things. I worked through the bad stuff, and I earned the good stuff (although with some I just got lucky hihi). UP didn’t serve me the good things on a silver platter. Instead, it gave me challenges that taught me humililty, courage, and patience. It gave me opportunities that taught me how to share, help and be thankful for what I have . It allowed me to make decisions that were hard as hell but did me good in the end. UP made me do it all on my own (thanks to the concept of guided and enlightened nationalism). It gave me freedom in its own way. And most of all, it gave me the chance to be human. It gave me the chance to real.

I may have been frustrated and angry before because my parents pulled me out from UP after my second year in college due to some personal issues (I was then studying a degree that I loved to death, but then the studying part went AWOL or something), but being transferred to a school that I didn’t even know existed during that time — add that it has a different crowd and can be considered a demotion of some sort for my part (but don’t get me wrong, I did love the new school after some time)  — made me learn that that was just another challenge-turned-opportunity for me (that realization took some time to sink in). And thank God for UP because if I had studied in another school and then transferred to the new school, I wouldn’t have understood and learned anything more than I do now, or maybe not even half of it. I wouldn’t see the reason behind the series of events that occurred. I wouldn’t have adjusted well. I prolly would’ve been bitter and mad about it for a really, really long time. Maybe even forever.

That’s why I will always thank UP for what it did to me. Or for what it did for me to be able to turn myself into the person I am now and who I will become in the future. It took me a looong time before realizing its impact on one’s life. It’s not about who you were when you came in, it’s about who you have become when you left. You know, like how a naked man lives after he’s been clothed. How you use what you have learned to make things better not just for you, but for everyone else especially those who don’t and will never have that privilege. It has always been about the molded heart. And that’s what matters.

Funny how one can want to get into that school so bad and realize why just when you get out of it to go into the real world. Like wanting something so bad for all the wrong reasons and then end up getting it for all the right reasons. So thank you, UP. Thank you for this life.

Serve the people.

“It’s not about getting a degree a degree, it’s about getting an education.” –UP Prof