Jedi Master Of Bullshit.

Okay, what do you take me for, the jedi master of loneliness and depression?

Last night, I slept crying because I couldn’t take the pain of losing my favorite person, Rej. He left. That moment, I realized that I’m never gonna be as happy as I was with him. Sure, time will pass and it will all heal. I’m gonna meet someone new, fall in love and live. He would do the same too, maybe a little sooner than I will but he will. It’s gonna take a while to recover, they say. And I know that. The realization of me having to move forward hit me. He was gone. He left me in love with him. That was some pain I couldn’t take. I couldn’t handle. I considered myself dead that moment. What’s there to live for anyway? I am now just a thing. Uncapable of feeling. Uncapable of anything humans can do. Uncapable of living.

To cut it short, the pain is unbearable. Incapacitating.

Then comes today. Well I woke up really early because of the noise in my room. My aunt was walking around and was uneasy. She was mumbling words to herself and was asking me questions which I, too sleepy to comprehend, didn’t answer. When I came to my senses, she told me to call my brother and ask him where there are. I told her, he has exams, he’s in school blah blah blah. THen she said “Hindi, papunta silang hospital. Wala daw pulso si Lola.” (No, he’s not. They’re on their way to the hospital. Your grandmother didn’t have pulse.) Then it hit me. She just told me grandmother’s dead. I was like “Shit. What else do you have for me?”. I’m just a twenty year old girl with a fragile heart and this is what you give me.

This is not fair. It’s not fair. Why didn’t you just take me? I wanted you to take me instead. Please. Just give us back my Lola. Please.

I can’t take this. This is too much for me. Too much. Who’s next? In 2007, I lost people almost every month. Almost every month, they just die. I accepted that. I thought that was the worst that could happen with regards to losing people I love. But this? In less than 16 hours, Rej, the most important thing in my life, left me and then my grandmother passed away. I lost two people in less than 16 hours. 16 fucking hours.

Now what’s there to live for?

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Perfection.

Strive for perfection.

That’s my goal now. Because maybe, if I’m perfect, people would stay. I have to do things right. Do everything right. It wouldn’t matter anymore if I’ll be the one hurting and all that stuff as long as I’m perfect for that someone. My wants and needs won’t matter anymore as long as the other person wouldn’t see me as a screw up. As long as the pther person would see as the perfect one. I can screw up my life and eveything in between as long as I’m not screwing up the relationship. I am fucked up. So what’s more to screw up? Nothing. So I’m gonna let it be. Be perfect.

Kill.

This is just sweet :)

I want someone who will be with me for the rest of my life, & cuddle up during a movie, on a couch. Stay up all night talking about nothing. Get lost in the woods together. Challenge me, challenge him. Talk about dreams, make dreams. Have fights, the kind that only really matter just as long as you’re having them. Someone I can wrestle with, you know, play hard sometimes & not worry about breaking a nail or an arm. A guy who will bring me flowers, once in a while, maybe a rock too or a shell of some sort. Something he saw that made him think of me, made him think “this might make my girl smile” as he smiles to himself. A guy who wants me, maybe even needs me, just a little, enough to hold onto me with everything he’s got. 🙂

-Repost from a friend’s blog.

Bang Bang Bitch.

“I know it’s not fair and I know it’s not your fault and I know there’s nothing going on between you and George. Except there is. You’re his best friend. He loves you. He gets you. He needs you. And I’m just.. I’m just.. I’m his wife. I know I get the sex and the commitment and a life with him. But I want him to get me. And to need me. And I know I can’t compete with you. So I’m asking you to please stop. Find another friend or whatever you do. Just give me my husband back.”

-Dr. Callie Torres, Grey’s Anatomy

The One That Got Away.

Source: The Manila Times
By: Mark J. Macapagal

In your life, you’ll make note of a lot of people. Ones with whom you shared something special, ones who will always mean something. There’s the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you lost your virginity to, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you’re with …and the one that got away.

Who is the one that got away?

I guess it’s that person with who everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person, there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cards just didn’t fall the right way, I suppose. I believe in the fact that ending up with someone, finding a long time partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I can actually argue that an equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to do with the matter of timing.

It has to do with you being ready to settle down and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little niceties of giddy romance. How often have you gone through it without even realizing it? When you’re not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn’t matter who you’re with, it just doesn’t work. Small problems become big; inconsequential become deal breakers simply because you’re not ready and it shows. It’s not that you and the person you’re with are no good; it’s just that it’s not yet right, and little things become the flashpoint of that fact.

Then one day you’re ready. You really are. And when this happens you’ll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be perfect, they might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it’ll work because you’re ready. It’ll work because it’s the right time and you’ll make it work. And it’ll make sense, it really will. The day comes when you’re finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, you finally understand who you are and what you want and you’ve become ready because the time has truly arrived. And mind you, there’s no telling when this day will come.

Hopefully you’re single… but you could be in a long-term relationship, you could be married with three kids, it doesn’t matter. All you know is that you’ve changed, and for some reason, the one that got away, is the first person you think about. You’ll think about them because you’ll wonder, “What if they were here today?” You’ll wonder, “What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?”

That’s what the one that got away is. The biggest “What if?” you’ll have in your life.

If you’re married, you’ll just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is, this can happen to the best of us. But hopefully you’re mature enough to realize that if you’re already with the one you’re with, that this is just another test of your commitment, one which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it. Sure, you’ll think about him/her every so often, but it’s alright. It’s never nice to live with a “might have been,” but it happens.

Maybe the one that got away is the one who’s already married. In which case it’s the same thing. You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will probably bring a nice little smile to your lips in the future when you’re old and gray and reminiscing.

But if neither of that is the case, then it’s different. What do you do if it’s not yet too late? Simple… find him, find her. Because the very existence of a “one that got away” means that you’ll always wonder, what if you got that one? Ask him out to coffee; ask her out to a movie, it doesn’t matter if you’ve dropped in from out of nowhere. You’d be surprised, you just might be “the one that got away” as well for the person who is your “the one that got away.” You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won’t make a difference.

If the timing is finally right, it’ll all just fall into place somehow. And it would be a great feeling, if in the end, you’d be able to say to someone, “Hey you, you’re the one that almost got away.”

People.

I have been thinking about love. About friendship. About family. About bonds. And I realized, there are a lot of people that I love and it seems to me that I have so much more to give. I have been questioning my capacity to give love for years now. And something triggered me to think about everything and everyone in my life.

I used to be this girl. The girl who gives love to everyone and was never thought of having the capacity to hate. Then this girl got a blow from a friend who abused the love she has been giving. Months passed and still, her so-called friend kept disrespecting and betraying and bastardizing her. That was the moment where she felt so much pain and anger. After that, she never really loved anyone as much as she did before. That girl began closing her doors to everyone. She became the biggest bitch even to those people who loves her dearly and truly. But the people who were true to her picked her up and made her realize that a piece of crap isn’t worth dwelling on and shit isn’t worth the pain she was feeling. Their love got her back on the right path. She got back to being the girl with  grudge-free heart whose love extends beyond horizons. No words can express how thankful she is to have people like them.

Love changes everything. Pain does too. But love would always bring you back to the right track. Love finds a way to make things right. Love washes away all the pain, the heartaches, the anger and everything that hurts.

Love is everywhere. It can come in different forms and it’s up to us to see that love in any way we could.

Let us not bury ourselves with anger and hatred. Let’s just love.

Love without buts, without becauses and without even ifs. Just live. And love. Love with all your heart. With all of you. And nothing can go wrong.

“Love the one you’re with. As much as you can.”

-The Time Travellers Wife

Another online journal.

I started using WordPress two years ago when I heard that Chico was using it and he was actually enjoying it. So out of curiousity, I tried it. Then I forgot I had it. So there, another account that I failed to update. Another account that I forgot what my password was. And another account that I forgot what my username was.