Okay, what do you take me for, the jedi master of loneliness and depression?
Last night, I slept crying because I couldn’t take the pain of losing my favorite person, Rej. He left. That moment, I realized that I’m never gonna be as happy as I was with him. Sure, time will pass and it will all heal. I’m gonna meet someone new, fall in love and live. He would do the same too, maybe a little sooner than I will but he will. It’s gonna take a while to recover, they say. And I know that. The realization of me having to move forward hit me. He was gone. He left me in love with him. That was some pain I couldn’t take. I couldn’t handle. I considered myself dead that moment. What’s there to live for anyway? I am now just a thing. Uncapable of feeling. Uncapable of anything humans can do. Uncapable of living.
To cut it short, the pain is unbearable. Incapacitating.
Then comes today. Well I woke up really early because of the noise in my room. My aunt was walking around and was uneasy. She was mumbling words to herself and was asking me questions which I, too sleepy to comprehend, didn’t answer. When I came to my senses, she told me to call my brother and ask him where there are. I told her, he has exams, he’s in school blah blah blah. THen she said “Hindi, papunta silang hospital. Wala daw pulso si Lola.” (No, he’s not. They’re on their way to the hospital. Your grandmother didn’t have pulse.) Then it hit me. She just told me grandmother’s dead. I was like “Shit. What else do you have for me?”. I’m just a twenty year old girl with a fragile heart and this is what you give me.
This is not fair. It’s not fair. Why didn’t you just take me? I wanted you to take me instead. Please. Just give us back my Lola. Please.
I can’t take this. This is too much for me. Too much. Who’s next? In 2007, I lost people almost every month. Almost every month, they just die. I accepted that. I thought that was the worst that could happen with regards to losing people I love. But this? In less than 16 hours, Rej, the most important thing in my life, left me and then my grandmother passed away. I lost two people in less than 16 hours. 16 fucking hours.
Now what’s there to live for?